Иди нахуй, дед, мы тут сами разберемся.

I’m not gay but I absolutely love seeing a huge, beefy, double-cheeked up muscle daddy get his guts rearranged in 1080p. Twinks, bears, otters, jocks, femboys, leather daddies, all of it gets my cock harder than a diamond-encrusted loaf of week-old baguette. I would pay Shawn Mendes $1,000,000 just to glance at my taint. I want Jason Mamoa to put his entire fist in my ass, up to the elbow.

What started off as an occasional indulgence has become an incurable addiction. I literally spend every waking moment jacking my bedraggled member to the gayest shit I can find. My orgasms cause minor seismic events. I have accounts on over 2,000 porn websites and I pay 5k a month to various NSFW services and creators.

I’m straight though. Anyone else?